ABOUT THE CORPORATION MANUAL

WELCOME TO THE CORPORATION

Have you ever wondered why every meeting ends with "great alignment" and absolutely no outcomes?
Why synergy feels more like group confusion, and visibility is a full-time performance metric?

Perhaps you've caught yourself saying "let's circle back" or "touch base offline" — words that sound productive but mean absolutely nothing. Maybe you've wondered if the purpose of work is to achieve deliverables, or simply to appear as though you are.

Good news — you've been approved for training.

Welcome to The Corporation is a comprehensive onboarding experience for the professionally employed. Disguised as a 1990s software suite, it's a satirical user manual for navigating the jargon jungle: where collaboration means polite competition, feedback loops never close, and "career development" is a polite term for "climbing sideways with confidence."

Within these pages, you'll learn to communicate without content, measure the immeasurable, and sustain enthusiasm in perpetuity. You'll master the art of looking busy while doing nothing measurable, and speaking fluently in phrases like "strategic alignment," "impact velocity," and "ongoing optimisation."

Whether you're onboarding, restructured, or simply trying to decode the last all-staff email, The Corporation will help you locate purpose within predefined parameters.

Your compliance will be noted.
Your enthusiasm will be measured.
Your progress will be saved.

Welcome aboard.

ABOUT THIS GUIDE

Welcome to The Corporation is a darkly funny corporate satire presented as a Windows-era training program. Structured as a series of "modules" — from Becoming a Useful Shape to Your Role is Evolving — it teaches the modern worker how to thrive in systems designed to measure enthusiasm over meaning.

FORMAT & STYLE

Written in the format of an internal training manual, this retro-styled guide explores the rituals, jargon, and paradoxes of workplace life — meetings that achieve nothing, collaboration that conceals competition, and values that can be toggled like checkboxes.

TARGET AUDIENCE

Whether you're newly employed, terminally aligned, or just pretending to understand the acronyms, Welcome to The Corporation will help you master the performance of productivity in a world where visibility is the only deliverable.

TRAINING MODULES

• Module 1: Orientation — Becoming a Useful Shape
• Module 2: Finding Your Role — Locating Purpose Within Predefined Parameters
• Compliance Module: Small Talk — Sounding Human Without Revealing Anything
• Module 3: Meetings — Where the Magic Doesn't Happen
• Module 4: Collaboration & Visibility — Working Together, Separately
• Compliance Module: Email Etiquette — Writing Without Saying Anything
• Module 5: Performance Season — Measuring the Immeasurable
• Module 6: Career Development — Climbing Sideways with Confidence
• Compliance Module: Remote Work — Performing Presence from Anywhere
• Module 7: Burnout & Bounceback — You're Not Tired, You're Growing
• Module 8: Culture & Values — Trust, Empathy, Ritual Compliance
• Module 9: Restructuring & Uncertainty — Your Role is Evolving
• Module 10: Exit & Legacy — The Archive Will Remember You

• Glossary of Terms (You've Pretended to Understand)
• Corporate Acronyms Decoded (Translating the Untranslatable)